November 27th 2000

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF TWOMERICA!

Derva Whirrlinger

What the November 7th Presidential election shows is that the U.S. is now conveniently divided into two separate countries. There is the relatively intellectual, over-urbanized West Coast and Northeast. And then there is the white trash Christian South joined to the redneck, lumberjack Plains states. Look at the map. These two entirely opposed, and each closely knit, cultures are placed into three separate, compact, completely contiguous geographic units. Both ends Gore blue, and the middle GeorgeW red. In California, "American Beauty" won the Academy Award but it was not even shown at the Richmond Mall in Richmond, Kentucky.

Florida, of course, is the perfect compromise state: being in its past both white trash and redneck but, with the influx of all those Northeast, die-in-the-sun, liver-spotted old farts, now having no clear identity at all.

What should we do about this? First, we should probably get rid of Florida. Since Cape Canaveral is there, we could just send a missile with a warhead straight up in the air so that it comes straight down.

But, that probably won't happen. I guess we need to do the next best thing: we need to change the U.S. into two separate, disconnected countries each with a separate government and separate presidents.

That way, if White Trash Land pollutes our air, chops down their forests, or attempts to subject everybody to their 2000 year old archaic code of morality, we will have our own Air Force and can bomb the crap out of them. Just like we do to the Muslim fundamentalists. If we can bomb Muslim fundamentalists, we should be able to bomb Bible fundamentalists? After all, they're both the same know-nothing, blind, bigoted idiots.

Of course you know we're just joking here. We certainly would never advocate a new American Civil War. Especially when, in the long run, it's not going to matter anyway. The Christian Right doesn't know it. It's just a part of the larger plan that's unfolding.Come to think of it, the blue states don't know it either. Do you?